Embracing 30 — Running Towards, Not Away

As my 30th birthday draws near, I find myself in a state of reflection, both conscious and unconscious. Birthdays hold a special significance for me—they're moments to be celebrated, showered with gifts, and surrounded by love. This upcoming milestone is no exception. With each passing year, I’ve welcomed the journey of ageing, seeing it as an opportunity for growth and refinement. For me, turning older is akin to pruning—a process of shedding the unnecessary and becoming a better version of myself.

But before delving into the theme of this milestone year and decade, I’ve taken the time to ponder certain aspects of my life. Throughout the years, I’ve always enjoyed growing older, feeling like I’m inching closer to my prime. This birthday, like others, will be thoughtfully themed. Yet, amidst the excitement, there are reflections on the journey thus far and the road ahead.

All my life, it always feels like I’ve been running away from something. Runaway from people's perceptions of me, my own self-definitions, or what they believe about me are all examples of this. I have also been running away from what I think of myself, which is absurd. Life’s felt like a constant hurdle, which has been exhausting. People-pleasing has been the order of the day, and trying to keep up with how people see me has been exhausting. It almost feels like I have divided myself into multiple people's expectations, and it is difficult to keep up. Even with me, I’m not even exactly sure what Nifemi wants or how he would like to be treated. I feel like I am always running away from my mistakes and past lives, and I do not give myself grace or the opportunity to see how far I have come. For the past few years, I have been running away from mistakes; when they happen, I spiral into despair, wondering if this is the start of a major downfall.

Mistakes were not meant to be part of me. Instead of embracing imperfection as a natural part of life, I’ve harboured an unrealistic expectation of flawlessness. Proximity also defined who had the most say in my life. I agreed with whatever they agreed; what they liked, I liked, and what they disliked, I disliked. I had very little independent thinking. But to cut myself some slack, this was not all the time.

This also influenced my relationship with faith. Every day feels like I’m running away from something. I was running away from who I was before I met Jesus. It could be bad that I expect bad things to happen to me when I slip up. This amounted to so much pressure, and everything became so choked. It feels like an unending race, with everything I am running away from eventually catching up with me because my motivation to get better came from what I was running away from rather than what I was running towards.

What does this look like?

• Instead of running from financial misery, I now run towards financial freedom. My decisions are not based on fear, but on who I want to become.
• Instead of running from how others will perceive me, I run towards who I’d like to be and improve on that daily.
• And many more

As I approach 30, I want to change my running posture. I want to embrace freedom from the perspective of running towards something. I know my life has a purpose. That should be my motivation, and that is what I am striving for. I want to understand what it truly means to love Nifemi, and I want to give myself grace. I want to think independently, and I have had enough of running away. It is time to try something new.

30 and this new decade represents what I have dubbed 'The Finesse Year'. I wrote this in my prayer journal and it’s truly what I desire for 30 and beyond:

“What does Finnesse mean, This means a lot to me

- To trim the fine edges

- To be more intricate

- To be better at so many things. Better Quality and Improvement all round

- Growth in all areas

Daddy, as we get into this new decade, there are a few things I need to start thinking about. This new decade, I really want to start living my life where I am comfortable in my own skin and I am not doing things to please people or get validated by people. This new decade, I want to find out what I like. I want to live a life that pleases you. I have come to see that I have used my excuses and people as a guide to how I live my life and I don’t want to anymore. I want to have independent thoughts. I want to figure out what make Nifemi ticks. I want to let go of comparison. I dont want to do things because of what I am expecting them to do in return. I need to leave this petty behavior behind. And be truly better.

Daddy, I have spent the last 29 years figuring life, I want to live life in 30. I want to have amazing experiences. I want to be BETTER. This time, no more debts. Better financial management, I am better as person. I build best relationships not based on past traumas but based on what I’ll like to experience.

This is truly my desire for 30. For 30, I want to be less judgmental and stop putting myself on a pedestal of righteousness. I want to truly celebrate and enjoy happy moments just as much as I do sad ones. I want to give grace to myself and forgive myself. I want to learn how to be still without feeling compelled to do anything.

I know that with my life thus far, I have been able to lay the groundwork, and all that remains is to add the finesse and the finishing touch. 30 and the new decade are the years for that, and I am very excited to experience it.

Happy Birthday, Oluwanifemi. Welcome to a new dispensation. I love you so much.