2019…. The Year That Broke Me
At the beginning of the year, I prayed for peace. I didn’t know for you to know how peace felt, you need to know what it means to be in a storm.
2019 is the year. The year that broke me and I am picking up the pieces. For me, 2019 was a year I was done with by half year. I turned 25 years in February and immediately things started to crumble. I was depressed and considered suicide a few times. I tried to figure out what was wrong, but I could not point it to one thing. It just felt like my life was not where it should, and I could be more.
At some point, work felt like the sanest place and I kept spending more and more time in there until one day it came crumbling down like all of Rick and Morty’s adventure. I had a client call me an amateur to my CEO. I had a client call me an asshole and I think even a bastard for making some suggestions to his design work. He later came back and asked for my suggestion to be implemented. Sometimes around April, I made a stupid financial decision that rendered me nearly broke every month. As you can see, I was done by July. Work was bad, my life felt like there was no direction and I was poor. What is there to live for? I stopped talking to my friends as much as I used to, and I was mostly indoors.
I remember vividly working late one-night trying to sort out a client, sorted him out and I was so happy that at least this guy will free me the next morning. Got home just tired and drained, then I saw this email from this guy lamenting about my work and how bad it was. This was the last straw. Entered the house crying and took some pills, wrote a note for my family and friends and was ready to go. The way God wanted it, I slept off and woke up a lot better. Tore the note and continued life. This is just one story. 2019 broke me.
2019 — E be things
My life had no meaning at this point. Didn’t go for any speaking gig. Rejected so many opportunities to speak with kids because I didn’t feel worthy.
Even if 2019 had mostly bad days. I am still grateful for some things.
God
I found God in my own way or let me say God found me. I was not going to church for a while, was not praying and was not doing anything. God used people to find me. I realized I was a work in progress, and I needed God to pull through for me. I pursued him and in all the brokenness, with God, I was complete. I knew I was in the right hands and I was going to be fine. Things were not going great still, but I was fine. This is my most profound moment in 2019.
I also became a team lead for Slum2School Africa. Man, this was huge for me and it came at the point when I needed something the most. This has been a fulfilling experience for me so far. Leading a team and using my ideas to provide education to kids in underserved areas. I do not take this for granted.
Thirdly, I found clarity. In picking up the broken pieces of my life and putting them together. I began to get clarity for what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I am making some decisions in 2020 based on this and I am so pumped for it. I can express what I want from life and go-ahead to fight for it till I get it. I am not sure if I might have been able to get this without this year.
Finally, I found peace, I prayed for it and found it.
2020
2020 will be a lot of good things for me for a lot of different reasons. I’m looking forward to writing my 2020 year in review. I pray 2020 brings to all of us so many good things than we can imagine. I pray we all get the strength to work towards achieving all our goals and desires.
God really loves you, Don’t forget.
PS. I wrote on quarter-life crises and I’m open to speak on this with people and help people get past it. Send an email to nifemiaikomo@gmail.com
Shoutout to my therapist. You the real one.
